by Benjamin Ross
Sometimes I think what I want more than anything else is to be rejected, and find out if love is here anyway – to fail, and find out if there’s an acceptance larger than achievement – to actually miss out on life, until I can see if there’s something here that can’t be left behind.
It’s not that I’m a masochist (I don’t consciously seek out rejection, but seem to be drawn to it at times by a deeper longing). As far as I can tell, there’s something more basic that I really want to know, which is whether there’s a love I can experience directly that extends beyond conditions, whether my worth and identity really are based on others’ approval, whether I really can be cast out from acceptance, cut off from belonging, or fail in some way that proves the existence of a basic flaw in myself or in life.
Sometimes, in glimpses, it seems to me that love and acceptance, belonging and peace aren’t actually found in overcoming rejection, failure, or abandonment, but in surrendering control over them and seeing that acceptance is the background and substance of life already. And in this acceptance, seeing also that the feelings under and within rejection – that I so deeply fear and spend so much time and energy running away from – are actually my own life energy coming back to me.
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